Just Carrie

I miss you so much. Each and everyday there is something else that goes from "we" to "me" and it breaks my heart into tiny pieces. There isn't much Carrie left. I laugh and smile, but I'm not really in the moment. I put up a GREAT front.

I want to truly laugh. I want to smile, the kind of smile that only you could create. I want to take a drive with you. Take a highway we had never taken with Amelia and just drive away from here, like we always did.

I want you to hold me and let me cry away all this bad. I need some relief.

I have this deep down gut feeling that screams, "I don't want to be here." And here is anywhere. Even when I'm with my friends or family I still am alone. I smile and laugh at things, but I am so terribly numb. I don't want to be here without you.

I try to stay positive, but because we did not update paperwork I am screwed. I am paying off our debts, I moved us out of our home, and I took care of everything for you at the end. But they are getting what they want right now. I know how you truly felt. I know what they did to you and to us. I know the truth. That will keep me going.

I'm trying so hard. I hope you are proud of me. Strike that, I know you would be proud of me.